Jokes Over The Years

Jokes Over The Years

Here are some jokes that I have collected over the years. Some were sent to me through email and some through text messages. Read and enjoy.

Subject: Letter to Bill Gates from Mr Banta Singh
To: Bill Gates
Date: Sunday, 1 February, 2009, 2:00 PM
Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some
problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

• There is a button ’start’ but there is no ’stop’ button. We request you to check this.

• We find there is ‘Run’ in the menu. One of my friends clicked ‘run’ he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to ’sit’, so that we can click that by sitting.

• One doubt is whether any ‘re-scooter’ is available in system? I find only ‘re-cycle’, but I own a scooter at my home.

• There is ‘Find’ button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ‘ find’ button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
• My child learnt ‘Microsoft word‘ now he wants to learn ‘Microsoft sentence’, so when you will provide that?
• I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows ‘MY Computer’: when you will provide the remaining items?
• It is surprising that windows says ‘MY Pictures’ but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
• There is ‘MICROSOFT OFFICE‘ what about ‘MICROSOFT HOME‘ since I use the PC at home only.
• You provided ‘My Recent Documents’. When you will provide ‘My Past Documents’?
• You provide ‘My Network Places‘. For God sake please do not provide ‘My Secret Places’. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,

Banta

Last one to Mr Bill Gates :
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling Windows ?

LESSON 1
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says, “Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each”
So the eager senior manager shouted, “I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas , on a fast boat and have no worries.” Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted “I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.” Pfufffff, and he was also gone.The boss calmly said, “I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm .”

Moral of the story:
ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST

LESSON 2

Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document,and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start
button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. “I just need one copy.”

Moral of the story:
NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING

LESSON 3
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA When the American turned to the Japanese and asked, “What kind of -ese are  you?”

The Japanese confused, replied, “Sorry but I don’t understand what you mean.” The American repeated, “What kind of -ese are you?” Again, the Japanese was confused over he question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, “What kind of -ese are you. Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc……???”
The Japanese then replied, “Oh, I am a Japanese.” A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind of ‘key’ was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, “What do you mean what kind of -kee’
am I ?!” The Japanese said, “Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?”

Moral of the story:
NEVER INSULT ANYONE

LESSON 4

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle,
He said, “Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of  Water to become, then your wish will come true.”
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted ”WINE”. The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian’s turn, he did the same and shouted, “VODKA” and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, “BEER”. He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, “SHIT!!!!!!!………”

Moral of the story:
THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN.

LESSON 5
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain: I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood: I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach: I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs: I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes: I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it’s going.
Asshole: I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.

All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad. To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste
whatsoever.

Day 1 — Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief.
Day 2 – Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly.
Day 3 — Legs got cramps and became unstable.
Day 4 — Eyes became watery and vision became blurred.
Day 5 — Blood became toxic and poisoned the body.
Day 6 – The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.

Moral of the story:
NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL
FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE

There are some jokes about Banta Singh who is an Indian Chap. Look at the followings.

Once Banta Singh attended to an Interview. Following are the questions asked and the answers given

Interviewer: Give me the opposite words.
Banta Singh: Ok
Interviewer: Made in India
Banta Singh: Destroyed in Pakistan
Interviewer: Keep it Up
Banta Singh: Put it Down
Interviewer: Maxi Mum
Banta Singh: Mini Dad
Interviewer: Enough! Take your Seat
Banta Singh: Don’t take my seat
Interviewer: Idiot! Take your Seat
Banta Singh: Clever! Don’t take my Seat
Interviewer: I say you get out!
Banta Singh: You didn’t say I come in
Interviewer: I reject you!
Banta Singh: You accept me
Interviewer: …

Interviewer: What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
Banta Singh: A fly can fly but a mosquito cannot mosquito.

Interviewer: When did George Washington die?
Banta Singh: two days before his funeral.

Interviewer: Tell me five ferocious animals you can think of…
Santa Singh: 3 Lions and 2 Tigers.

Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area The Judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense. “They should not put up such misleading notices”, said Banta. “It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE”

Jokes Over The Years